People on the Net

So like, you hear all kinds of horror stories about people meeting the wrong person online. or cyber bullying. or whatever. well, this isn't a horror story,  listened well. But I did fall too fast for someone who really wasn't. Let me say, my friends told me about a reverse picture look up. So... I looked. if you have a picture on your hard drive, or if you have pictures on a website, you can find out if that picture has ever been used before to scam on people, like myself.

I joined a dating website because my friend and I made a deal, if she joined one, I would as well.  didn't think it was going to happen any time soon, but she surprised me and did. So I joined, not really thinking anyone would message me, and not really going on the site to look either. I started getting emails, I had received a message, someone had looked at my profile. over and over and over. I started reading some of the messages and since the majority of people were "geographically undesirable", they were not replied to. But then this one guy, in my area, messaged me. Very handsome. We started talking. and talking, and talking. He asked me for my email address. I gave it to him. He asked me for my yahoo messenger name, I gave it to him. what would be the harm? We emailed 2-3 times a day, and messaged each other for several hours at a time. Since I'm disabled, and not working, I had plenty of time to chat.

I woke up in the morning and ran to my laptop, sometimes even checking my mail on the phone before even getting out of bed. He was so romantic! He was understanding. I told him 100% of everything that guys out here are like, yeah, no thanks. my health conditions. my views on lots of things, these are usually deal breakers, I have found. Yet, he was ok with it. I told him I wanted things to go very very slowly. He said, he felt like women have the right to steer the relationship in any way they want.

I wanted to show my friends his profile on the dating site, but he had deleted it. When I asked him why, he said he didn't need it any longer. I asked if he had met someone, and he said yes, he met me. ok red flag. why would he think say that, if we had only been talking for a few weeks. Meanwhile, I continued to speak to other men who messaged me on the dating site.  One guy was military and he asked me who I banked with. I said, even if I felt comfortable enough to give it to him, I would never give out my banking information online. He said he was military and couldn't access his account because he was out of the country. He said none of his family had a way to send him money. too bad so sad. I was not going to give him any info. well, that was the last I heard from him. I patted myself on the back and continued chatting with men who messaged me.

Another guy basically asked me the same thing, in a roundabout way... and I shut him down immediately too. So I thought, I was doing well and I had my wits about me. I thought I could catch a jerk, a con, a mile away. But then I started talking to this guy. Man, he said everything right.

No, no way in hell was I in love, but I did care about him enough to say a prayer for him (or who I thought this person was, but really was not), every night.

I continued to see red flags throughout our conversations. The profile pic showed a man with a young girl, probably 8 yrs or so. I asked about her, how she was, what was she like, what grade was she in. He would change the subject. I thought, I will talk until I'm blue in the Frikin face, about my children and grandchildren, you know? so I thought, ok I'll ask again later.  And when I did, he said something to the effect that I doubted how much he cared for me. That made me feel so bad because here he was sharing his feelings and his whatever, and who was I to doubt?

According to him, he was in the UK on a business trip and he was about to make so much money that he would never have to work a day in his life again. RED FLAG. yeah right. He said he was an engineer, and he was going to lay pipes down in Africa and that tomorrow, the contract would be signed.
I asked about his job, and he said this one thing in such a way that, at least I felt like, he was saying I was too stupid to understand. However, keep in mind, I have very low self esteem, and he probably somehow knew that, no I wouldn't have ever told him that, but somehow he knew, so he played on that, I'm sure, and so I wasn't going to ask gain.

I saw on his profile on the dating site, that his religion was "Christian". I am Catholic, and even though I am not very good at my faith, I still treasure my beliefs and everything. you know? I love my God and Virgin Mary, my heavenly mother.  I love my angels and saints.

I asked him what denomination of Christianity to subscribed to and he said he was Catholic. Major Red Flag !!!!!  When people ask Catholics what religion they belong to, we always say Catholic. we never say Christian, even though we are. when someone hears the word "Christian" it is automatically implied that they are not Muslim, Hindu, OR Catholic (or any other non Christian religion). Yes I am Catholic and I am a follower of Christ, so I am Christian. However, I am Catholic. ask any Catholic out there, who is proud of their faith, who loves their faith, we say we are Catholics. So when he said he was Catholic, I pressed on. I told him who my favorite saints are, my patron saints, (St Therese, the Little Flower, St Christopher, the patron saint of travelers, and St Anthony, the patron saint of lost items. Also, my favorite apparition of the Blessed Virgin is Virgin De Guadalupe, since I am Mexican American (chicana, born in the states with Mexican born parents). I asked which were his favorites. no response. just like I didn't even ask. Ok. maybe he wasn't a huge big time Catholic, I reasoned with myself. Who am I to judge?  I let it go but didn't forget.

So I decided to tell my friends online. When I did, I posted the pics he had sent me via email. So many were concerned, they just knew he wasn't who he said he was. They told me about doing a reverse image look up on google.

However, I had no idea how to do it, so I had to do a little bit of reading before I could do so. I uploaded the first picture he had sent me, and nothing came up. The second picture came up right away, and I went to the first few websites that came up. The first two were in a different language, and when  I went to translate.google.com, it came back gibberish. So I continued to look and found more pages with the same picture. I checked a third and a fourth, and they all came back as being used fraudulently. 

So I did what I had to do, deleted all images off my hard drive, deleted all emails, blocked his email address, so that I would never receive another email full of lies, blocked him on messenger, and deactivated my account with the dating website. 

After all that, I sat for a moment and cried. 

Don't let this happen to you. Be vigilant. Listen to your brain more than to your emotions. Look for red flags, and don't try to make excuses when they come up. They are red flags for a reason, you know?   

Do I have to say that red flags are warning signs that very often come up when you are dealing with a fake person wanting to con you out of your personal information so they can rip you off? Do I have to say that they warning signs are there for a reason, and we have to look into them, so that we aren't taken advantage of, or end up with a fractured or worse, broken heart. However, I feel I must say that, even though, I want to give up and never try dating again, I have to be opened to whatever God sends my way, and trust in God and in myself, to see the warnings and act upon them accordingly. 

It's 1:30 in the morning now. my window is opened for some fresh air, and all I smell is someone smoking marijuana. so I think I'm going to close the window, turn off the lights and go to sleep. Sleep well everyone, and if you are looking for someone to hold you at night, keep the faith and pray that God will send you the real person you are meant to be with. If you have that special person in your life already, cherish them, love them, and treat them as you would want to be treated! 

Good night. 

a fb post i did late last night

I'm reading a little bit tonight and read where several of my ph friends might have cancer, or already were diagnosed with it. and then I say a tiny baby boy lost his battle with PH, and all I want to do is cry now!!! it's nearly 2 a.m. and all these thoughts are going on in my head. thinking of our precious Joy. i loved her so much!! still in do in fact. and these babies suffering with this blasted disease SUFFERING! and their mommies and daddies suffering with them because they don't know what to do to help them. and then they are ripped away from them when they succumb to Pulmonary Hypertension. WE NEED A CURE!!! DAMN IT! We NEED A CURE!!! i don't know what i would do if I was the momma to one of these babies... i would go out of my mind. I think of Lillyana and her momma Kori. Lilly has had PH since she was one, she was dx at a year. she's thriving at 8, or is it 9? but how must Kori have felt? when she is first told, you may not see your daughter grow. I can't begin to imagine the pain these families are experiencing. Yes, I have lost loved ones to disease, my dear sweet beautiful sister, and that was one of the worst pains i have ever felt, and still feel. but the pain of losing a CHILD? I can't bare to even think of it. I think of my kids and how healthy they are, thanks be to GOD almighty! and my gorgeous Ellie, always smiling, laughing... I can't even bare to think of it. God please bring an end to ALL Suffering! To ALL Diseases!!! and famine, and war .. please don't let these momma's and daddys have to suffer and bury their children. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!

I haven't cried like this in so very very long. and I hate it.

this is getting way tooooooo "real" again. you know? I KNOW what PH is. I KNOW is it incurable. I KNOW it is progressive. i KNOW all these things, and yet, I push it all to the back of my mind and i play with my Ellie and I help my kids as much as I can, and I work so hard to raise awareness but all these things that i KNOW, are pushed way way way back there. this kind of happens to me now and then. it all gets too REAL again, and I back wayyyyyy wayyyy up... I don't want to do that but I think for my own mental health and well being, I will need to... just hope that by November, I will be back kicking and screaming as always.    I may not have met the majority of the people here on fb, i may never, but you guys are in my heart forever

I HATE IT!!!!!!

you don't know how bad I hate taking pills. Yes, I know they are life saving. Yes I know how sick I will get without them... but seriously!!! I HATE IT!!!

New Normal

When I was diagnosed with idiopathic Pulmonary Hypertension back in 1998, my entire life changed, not just the things I did or didn't do. Not just what I could and couldn't do. but how I thought, how I felt about things changed. My love for people became stronger, my faith in God became stronger, my passion for life, well, that nearly went away, but of course I can blame that on the depression I was going through. I stopped scheduling things too far into the future, who knew if I would be alive... sometimes, too far into the future meant just a couple of days.. or weeks.  I was told I had less than 2 years to live, when they told me I had PH.
As the months went on, I started learning how to live again, live with pulmonary hypertension. I wanted it not to rule my life. I wanted it not to take over my life. but with a chronic progressive disease, it's always in your face. Walking down the block, walking up a few stairs, not a flight of stairs, but a few steps, these things would make me short of breath and I would get palpitations. Waking up in the morning and everything would flood into my memory, my heart.

The problem with having a progressive disease is you won't ever have a stable normal... and of course, being diagnosed with countless other diseases and conditions, changes how things work, or don't, around here. Each day, it seems, I have to have change what my idea of "Normal" is.  I can't work anymore because of fibromyalgia. I haven't worked for two years because the pain has been so hard. I have to constantly be on alert with the PanHypopituitarism, in case I go into adrenal insufficiency. Migraines have started showing up now and then. I have never had them before a few weeks ago.

So what people think is normal, everyday stuff, to me, might be like running a marathon, climbing the highest mountain.  Walking up a flight of stairs, like I said, running after my granddaughter, a toddler, standing to wash dishes, all these things cause not only shortness of breath, but also pain.

I'm trying not to let my health interfere with my life, but lately, I have had no choice but to cancel out on friends and family. I have had to say no to things, I would have jumped at before. My only fear now is, will I be able to go to my daughter's graduation in Texas? I don't know how I could miss it and live with myself. only if i'm on my death bed or in patient in a hospital, will I miss this! plane tickets have already been purchased!  I'm so excited!!

And of course conference is coming in June. Pulmonary Hypertension Association's 2014 11th International Conference and Scientific Seasons I have been to so many conferences, it's like I'm going to a family reunion! So many friends and their families are there! Doctors I saw in Texas, where I was diagnosed, in California, from all over the world, will be there! I'm so excited to see them! I'm more excited to meet the new friends I have made on facebook. I'm also SUPER excited to see friends I have known for 10, 15 years, since being diagnosed!

Last conference, in Orlando Florida, I over did it one day, and my sister had to wheel me into our hotel room so I could rest. I don't want to happen this time!! But I'm super excited to see everyone and do everything, I imagine, I'm going to get worn out pretty fast.

Anyways, I just wanted to talk about my life with Pulmonary Hypertension, and these are the two big things coming up. It's Saturday night right now, 10 p.m. and I'm thinking of going to bed. and the only reason why I know this is Saturday is because my roommate didn't go to work today and my granddaughter is at her father's place.

Pain Pain and more Pain!

For some reason, I have been having more pain than usual. Back, arms, chest muscles, knees. Every night and every morning, I turn on the heating pad and lay in bed with the heat. it helps in the night time to fall asleep with the heat, but in the morning, not at all. in fact, it takes several hours for the back pain to go away.

but its still alright. i just deal with it and go on my way.

Don't Stop Believing

I don't know when it was that i stopped believing, but I do know it has been a while.  People say the most common things and it totally gets to me, because I don't believe.

What don't I believe in?

Luck. 

Jinxing something and 

Superstitions 

that sort of thing. Some would say that I'm the unluckiest person, having several chronic illnesses, having a failed marriage, etc. But I don't believe so. I dont believe that LUCK has anything to do with it.

God knows me, knows how many hair strands I have on my head. He knows what my past is and what my future will be. It is all pre written and pre ordained. So what does luck have to do with any of it? Absolutely nothing!

As for superstitions, (or stupidstitions as I like to call it), I think those were all made up to make péople afraid of the unknown. A black cat running in front of you is just a black cat running in front of you. Walking under a ladder won't do anything unless the ladder falls on you, or you bump the person off the ladder. Breaking a mirror is just unfortunate, nothing else.

So why in this day and age do people still believe in hocus pocus and nonsense like that? I wish I knew. Maybe they are holding on to the traditions of generations past? Maybe they were taught these and have never questioned it.

Please know that this is ALL my opinion and not meant to say that anyone that believes in these things is stupid or anything like that. I am not that way. I would never say anything to purposely hurt anyone. I know that there are those who might read this and think I am strange for writing this, or whatever, or that my beliefs are all wrong.. who knows.

Spreading Joy and Love

Do you try to spread joy and love wherever you go?  It seems like, in this day and age, people aren't doing that so much anymore.  I have tried to live my life by the Beatitudes.

You know, being the peacemaker, the merciful, the pure of heart. It is NOT an easy thing to do. I try to do random acts of kindness on a regular basis. 

Its not easy. We are taught to keep your head down, to mind your own business, to keep quiet. But to do the right thing, you cant. Just do the right thing. Keep smiling and keep moving. 

Strength and Courage

What makes a person strong? What gives them strength? Why do they carry on when everything seems to bleak and dark? 

Is it that the strength and courage was in them all along, or did it just come up in times of adversity? 

Faith, family, love, these have always been within us. I think our courage in times when we have nothing to hold onto, comes from deep within. Perhaps, if you believe, courage comes from the soul. 

We pray for strength and courage, and of course, God hears our prayers, but I think it was within us all along, and perhaps, we believe that God has granted our prayers when we are stronger than we ever thought we could be. 

“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.” 
― Mother Teresa

I know I feel like this! 

what am I doing?

What am I doing to keep myself from living in the hopelessness and helplessness of depression that Chronic Illness can bring, someone asked me. Well, let me tell you.

I have been walking lately.

• I have lost over ten lbs in the last 2 months. 

I have been crafting .

• a few examples, i have been decoupaging lately. printed out pics of my grand daughter and put them on canvas. they look great! Also, decoupaged a few ornaments for myself. I am looking forward to painting a glass jar to hold my make up brushes. 

I have been sewing.

• I got a beautiful sewing machine from my sister Debbie for Christmas! 

I have been watching Netflix and other movies online 

• I have watched a few really fun moves, some that make you think, and others that made me cry and wish I hadn't watched them. 

and last but not least

I have been watching my granddaughter! 

• We play and laugh and craft together, color together, read stories and tell stories and sing together! she is such a love! and whenever I am around her, she always brings my spirits up!

So what do you think? is this enough? should I be doing more? certainly. I have been looking for a job that i could do sitting down. but those are hard to come by, you know? and I could be more out and about... which I actually have been. Went out to eat with my friend in downtown and today went out with my sister and her bf. but yeah but myself, no i don't do that. 

Part Two of New Years Eve

I can not believe how helpless i felt the other day in the e.r. i absolutely hate that feeling!  I woke up thinking about it this morning. No one knew what was going on. I certainly did not know. I had  not been in an E.R. in a few years. It MAKES you remember you are sick. Forget about the shortness of breath. Forget about the palpitations. You get used to those after a while. After 15 years, yes, I still get those. and yes, after 15 years, I still stop to catch my breath, or have to stop to slow my heart rate. but to go to an emergency room and be  at the mercy of the doctors and nurses. of course I have been to many many emergency rooms before. but it has been AGES and AGES. and yes I have felt that hopelessness, worse in fact, but once again, it has been ages and ages. Just shocks me and bolts me back to reality. The reality of a sick person, and how sick we really are with Pulmonary Hypertension!  I have been doing very very well lately. Walking and exercising, losing weight, running around chasing my granddaughter. of course I have set backs and bouts of depression, I am a person with chronic illnesses.

But on a day to day, I do not live pulmonary hypertension. it may seem that way because of all my posts and images that splatter the netosphere.  (The atmosphere the surrounds the  internet allowing it to breath and survive. lol i just coined that word. not even on urban dictionary. lol)

Helplessness is not a good or happy feeling. it is very ugly. restraining you, keeping you from doing things, from living a happy and fulfilling life. Besides depression and fibromyalgia, I think I am happy in my life. I love where I am, I love where I live, I love my roommate and friend. I love my grandbaby and daughter and sister. I miss like crazy my two daughters living in a different state. But all in all, I am happy.

---- For those that do not live with depression or anxiety or any other chronic illness, for me at least, it never goes away. it may subside a bit, but it is always there in the back of  my head, wanting to creep out, taunting me almost. Even in the most happiest days of my life, it is always there.---- 

And so I can not imagine myself living in this helplessness 24-7,

not again, not anymore. 

my big new years eve bash!

I spent my new years eve in the E.R. at Washington Hospital Center. 

I was at Whole Foods with my sister and her boyfriend getting lunch when I all of a sudden looked up and thought, where am I, where is everyone. that just lasted like two seconds when I saw my sister's boyfriend. We walked over to the registers to pay when i started feeling very weak and tired. my silly cell phone was too heavy for me to talk on, my mother had called and i had to pass the phone to my sister because i could no longer hold it. We then proceeded to the eating area upstairs, (we took the elevators, I am not about to take stairs!) When we sat down, I got very very nauseous, Even gagging every now and then. I could not eat but was able to drink a small bottle of orange juice.
I knew something was not right, so I told my sister to take me to the E.R. I got a hold of Dr George Ruiz at the Washington Hospital Center, after I could not get a hold of my docs at Hopkins, but I don't know if anyone told him what happened. They did a CT scan of my head to be sure i did not have a stroke, chest x ray came back crystal clear, they said, and all my lab work was perfect. The only thing is I am borderline anemic. I am better now, slept nearly twelve hours. Still have a major headache, and it hurts to hold my arms and shoulders up to type this... there is much more to the story, but for now, this is it.

HUGS