Don't Stop Believing

I don't know when it was that i stopped believing, but I do know it has been a while.  People say the most common things and it totally gets to me, because I don't believe.

What don't I believe in?

Luck. 

Jinxing something and 

Superstitions 

that sort of thing. Some would say that I'm the unluckiest person, having several chronic illnesses, having a failed marriage, etc. But I don't believe so. I dont believe that LUCK has anything to do with it.

God knows me, knows how many hair strands I have on my head. He knows what my past is and what my future will be. It is all pre written and pre ordained. So what does luck have to do with any of it? Absolutely nothing!

As for superstitions, (or stupidstitions as I like to call it), I think those were all made up to make péople afraid of the unknown. A black cat running in front of you is just a black cat running in front of you. Walking under a ladder won't do anything unless the ladder falls on you, or you bump the person off the ladder. Breaking a mirror is just unfortunate, nothing else.

So why in this day and age do people still believe in hocus pocus and nonsense like that? I wish I knew. Maybe they are holding on to the traditions of generations past? Maybe they were taught these and have never questioned it.

Please know that this is ALL my opinion and not meant to say that anyone that believes in these things is stupid or anything like that. I am not that way. I would never say anything to purposely hurt anyone. I know that there are those who might read this and think I am strange for writing this, or whatever, or that my beliefs are all wrong.. who knows.

Spreading Joy and Love

Do you try to spread joy and love wherever you go?  It seems like, in this day and age, people aren't doing that so much anymore.  I have tried to live my life by the Beatitudes.

You know, being the peacemaker, the merciful, the pure of heart. It is NOT an easy thing to do. I try to do random acts of kindness on a regular basis. 

Its not easy. We are taught to keep your head down, to mind your own business, to keep quiet. But to do the right thing, you cant. Just do the right thing. Keep smiling and keep moving. 

Strength and Courage

What makes a person strong? What gives them strength? Why do they carry on when everything seems to bleak and dark? 

Is it that the strength and courage was in them all along, or did it just come up in times of adversity? 

Faith, family, love, these have always been within us. I think our courage in times when we have nothing to hold onto, comes from deep within. Perhaps, if you believe, courage comes from the soul. 

We pray for strength and courage, and of course, God hears our prayers, but I think it was within us all along, and perhaps, we believe that God has granted our prayers when we are stronger than we ever thought we could be. 

“I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.” 
― Mother Teresa

I know I feel like this! 

what am I doing?

What am I doing to keep myself from living in the hopelessness and helplessness of depression that Chronic Illness can bring, someone asked me. Well, let me tell you.

I have been walking lately.

• I have lost over ten lbs in the last 2 months. 

I have been crafting .

• a few examples, i have been decoupaging lately. printed out pics of my grand daughter and put them on canvas. they look great! Also, decoupaged a few ornaments for myself. I am looking forward to painting a glass jar to hold my make up brushes. 

I have been sewing.

• I got a beautiful sewing machine from my sister Debbie for Christmas! 

I have been watching Netflix and other movies online 

• I have watched a few really fun moves, some that make you think, and others that made me cry and wish I hadn't watched them. 

and last but not least

I have been watching my granddaughter! 

• We play and laugh and craft together, color together, read stories and tell stories and sing together! she is such a love! and whenever I am around her, she always brings my spirits up!

So what do you think? is this enough? should I be doing more? certainly. I have been looking for a job that i could do sitting down. but those are hard to come by, you know? and I could be more out and about... which I actually have been. Went out to eat with my friend in downtown and today went out with my sister and her bf. but yeah but myself, no i don't do that. 

Part Two of New Years Eve

I can not believe how helpless i felt the other day in the e.r. i absolutely hate that feeling!  I woke up thinking about it this morning. No one knew what was going on. I certainly did not know. I had  not been in an E.R. in a few years. It MAKES you remember you are sick. Forget about the shortness of breath. Forget about the palpitations. You get used to those after a while. After 15 years, yes, I still get those. and yes, after 15 years, I still stop to catch my breath, or have to stop to slow my heart rate. but to go to an emergency room and be  at the mercy of the doctors and nurses. of course I have been to many many emergency rooms before. but it has been AGES and AGES. and yes I have felt that hopelessness, worse in fact, but once again, it has been ages and ages. Just shocks me and bolts me back to reality. The reality of a sick person, and how sick we really are with Pulmonary Hypertension!  I have been doing very very well lately. Walking and exercising, losing weight, running around chasing my granddaughter. of course I have set backs and bouts of depression, I am a person with chronic illnesses.

But on a day to day, I do not live pulmonary hypertension. it may seem that way because of all my posts and images that splatter the netosphere.  (The atmosphere the surrounds the  internet allowing it to breath and survive. lol i just coined that word. not even on urban dictionary. lol)

Helplessness is not a good or happy feeling. it is very ugly. restraining you, keeping you from doing things, from living a happy and fulfilling life. Besides depression and fibromyalgia, I think I am happy in my life. I love where I am, I love where I live, I love my roommate and friend. I love my grandbaby and daughter and sister. I miss like crazy my two daughters living in a different state. But all in all, I am happy.

---- For those that do not live with depression or anxiety or any other chronic illness, for me at least, it never goes away. it may subside a bit, but it is always there in the back of  my head, wanting to creep out, taunting me almost. Even in the most happiest days of my life, it is always there.---- 

And so I can not imagine myself living in this helplessness 24-7,

not again, not anymore. 

my big new years eve bash!

I spent my new years eve in the E.R. at Washington Hospital Center. 

I was at Whole Foods with my sister and her boyfriend getting lunch when I all of a sudden looked up and thought, where am I, where is everyone. that just lasted like two seconds when I saw my sister's boyfriend. We walked over to the registers to pay when i started feeling very weak and tired. my silly cell phone was too heavy for me to talk on, my mother had called and i had to pass the phone to my sister because i could no longer hold it. We then proceeded to the eating area upstairs, (we took the elevators, I am not about to take stairs!) When we sat down, I got very very nauseous, Even gagging every now and then. I could not eat but was able to drink a small bottle of orange juice.
I knew something was not right, so I told my sister to take me to the E.R. I got a hold of Dr George Ruiz at the Washington Hospital Center, after I could not get a hold of my docs at Hopkins, but I don't know if anyone told him what happened. They did a CT scan of my head to be sure i did not have a stroke, chest x ray came back crystal clear, they said, and all my lab work was perfect. The only thing is I am borderline anemic. I am better now, slept nearly twelve hours. Still have a major headache, and it hurts to hold my arms and shoulders up to type this... there is much more to the story, but for now, this is it.

HUGS