A different life, a different time, a different me

In my younger years, I always pictured myself in an office of some sort, well after the time I seriously thought I would be a nun in the Catholic church. I never thought about a husband, or children. of course that would come. I had a plan for myself, I'd get married at 26 and have a child at 28.

But life has a funny way of throwing things for a loop. I ended up getting married at 18, and had my first daughter at 22, then my second child a year later, and finally my third daughter

i guess i'm just mourning the life i could have had. I could have
i guess i'm just complaining and acting like a baby

I cannot tell a lie

But we do, don't we? Lie regularly that is. If someone asks me how I'm doing, first thing out of my mouth, regardless if it's true or not, is "I'm fine thanks!". but if people knew how I was feeling, I'm sure they would never ask. Who wants to be bombarded with all the crap I go through on a daily basis. People with Chronic Illness, unless a cure is found, will always and forever be sick. Yes, of course, we all have good days and bad days.

For me, I know I'm doing better if the good days outnumber the bad. But lately, I've been having a rough time.
A dear friend asked me recently how I was doing, I asked her if she really wanted to know, or was she just being polite. I could tell she was just doing the same small talk we all do from time to time, but I just wanted to know if people really care about how I'm doing. so I've started to ask.

It's a lot to take on, listening to all this. and people don't know what to say when you're done, usually it's "Oh I'm sorry you are going through that". for me, i always shrug my shoulders like it's no big deal and say "heck! I've been sick for nearly 18 years!"

Well, I was diagnosed nearly 18 years ago, but have been having symptoms of Pulmonary Hypertension at least 2 years prior, right after I gave birth. But I'm wondering lately if I wasn't sick while I was pregnant. It's so very dangerous being pregnant with Pulmonary Hypertension. the pregnancy always takes up so much energy and already puts a strain on the heart with a healthy person. I person with chronic illness such as PH, it could be very harmful to both baby and momma.

Anyways, back to telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. These days, I don't see how that's possible. I have been trying all my adulthood to tell the truth, but things have to be said to protect others, or to not hurt them emotionally. Now that my family is grown, I'm being asked to lie for them. I don't like this at all, not one bit, and I've told people this. But if it gets them out of harm's way, of course I will.

So to tell the truth or to not tell the truth. honestly in my opinion, you should strive to be honest in every way, but to spare someone from any kind of suffering, I'd probably sugar coat it. Question now I guess is, how do you know when you're being lied to?

extreme boredom. been watching Gilmore Girls all fucking day. on the last season. i hate that my life is watching television all fucking day. dont want to craft, dont want to color, dont want to eat, dont want to drink. want to sleep my life away. dont even want to be aware. dont want these fucked up dreams i've been having.

people chasing me, trying to kill me. running around not knowing what to do or say. then being caught and thrown into a bus, where people are asking me questions that i have no idea the answers to, and if i don't they will kill me.

so i try to escape. then as i'm running away, i get caught again but this time i'm thrown into a submarine. in this submarine people are shoving me and pushing me and kicking me. then the doors start opening up and people with knives and guns come after me. i hate hate hate these dreams lately.

i hate hate hate my life lately. and in the near near super near future things are going to change. i may be moving across the country, or i may stay here but move to a different place. there's so much going on. :( stress is beyond ridiculous. if i end up leaving here, i want to do things before i go, museums, up the washington monument, the basilica, so many things .... but of course, knowing me, i wont do shit. i'll just pack my shit and go.

What if?

What if everything I was ever taught, everything that I hold near and dear, all my truths that I cling onto when I'm at the worst points in my life, were not real?

 

What if there was no God? 

What if people made God up and all us desperate people needed something to believe in?
What if there is no heaven or hell? And when you die you die? All of our prayers were for nothing?

Some of my favorite saints and my fav Guardian Angel pic

Of course I refuse to believe that God doesn't exist.but why then does it feel like all my prayers have fallen on deaf ears, not that God is deaf, but no one is hearing my pleas and cry?

i am tired

I'm tired. I have been tired for a long long time.

Tired of waking up in pain.
tired of feeling each and every crick and pop
tired of being woken up by pain.
Tired of fighting


what am i fighting for anyways? and who am i fighting?


why are all my dreams lately about someone wanting to kill me?

Always fighting demons

I seem to be always fighting demons in one way or another. No I am not talking about the devil or demons or wicked things, but things in my life that I'm dealing with. things like

• my health, 
• my children, 
• my living situation
• the way I'm living my life (or not) 

My health seems to be pretty stable right now. However, I'm having more symptoms, more pain, more shortness of breath than I have had in a long time. I can't bend over to pick something up without getting dizzy. Fibromyalgia pain is getting worse, however, the medications they use to treat it, aren't good for the Pulmonary Hypertension.  I had an MRI done recently and am awaiting results from that from impatiently. I want to know NOW Damn it! If my endocrinologist can get my Panhypopituitarism under control, perhaps everything else will settle down too. Even my psychiatrist thinks that my Depression and anxiety could be better improved if my endocrine problems would be figured out. 

My Children, well, they are my children and I will always worry about them. I love them so much and all I want is for them to be happy and healthy! I want them to succeed in what they are doing, to whatever point they feel they are succeeding! But there is always some Drama going on with these kids! The other day, I was driving my daughter's car and it started smoking under the hood. Luckily, I pulled over in front of a mechanic. They wanted to charge me $400 something. I tried to apply for their in store credit card to get a discount plus be able to pay them off over a year without interest. of course, I was denied. My Credit is so bad right now. It has been for a long time. but I keep chugging along. 

My Living Situation right now is good. However, at the end of the month, my roommate and bff is moving out. I have applied for public housing for low income, and am on the world's longest waiting list. I have checked craig's list for apartments in my price range, and of course haven't found anything. If I do not find anything, I will be moving back with my mom in Southern California. I have lived with her before, for nearly a year, and although we get along wonderfully, and she is an amazing woman, I gotta say, I was so bored. The city is small, inland, away from the Ocean,  away from all my friends and siblings. I felt isolated. I couldn't even use her car except for groceries and church because it is the only car she has and if it broke down, she wouldn't have another car. blah blah blah. of course I respect that and listened to her, but I was so incredibly bored. Plus, all my medical care was far. the specialists were in San Diego or Loma Linda, a good couple hours drive in traffic. I want to go home for a visit. I'm very homesick. but It looks more and more like I will be going to stay. I just don't see another way for me. 

I wanted to be doing stuff with my life since I'm unable to work. I wanted t o go to Museums, Monuments, that kind of thing. Instead I sit here all day and do nothing. watch tv shows. I'm not even going onto FB as much a before. I'm tired of reading about Pulmonary Hypertension. I'm tired of reading about how deadly and rare it is. I want to be doing something. I want to work and be a productive member of society. I want to have money left over by the 10th of each month, not worrying about how am I going to get what I need with only $5 for the rest of the month? 

All this has been is a post about my complaining. do I even want to post it? I dont know. maybe I'll sit on it for a few days before posting.