family reunion

We had a really nice family reunion at mom's house. all the siblings were there, except Susan of course, but not all the grand kids or spouses were there. We had a huge turkey plus an enormous roast, with stuffing, a 7 layer salad, veggies and at least 5 pies! there were many other side dishes for all of us, since we had 20 people here! We had a great time but I really did miss those that weren't here.

The last time we all got together like this was in 2006 for Susan's funeral. very sad time!
The newest Castro kid, 5 month old Cory, is such a good baby! That makes 15 grand kids for my mother!

from left to right: Ralph, Debs, me, Jenn, Mom, Peter, Lo

my doc appointment in Loma Linda

So yesterday I went to see Dr Brand at Loma Linda University Hospital. He's really nice and studied under some awesome PH Docs. When I got there, I did a six minute walk right away and did 567 meters, which is pretty awesome. I pushed myself towards the end but I didn't stop at all, not once. I'm pretty impressed with myself too. lol

I locked the keys in my mom's car and we had to call for road side service. Fortunately it was a quick fix and we were on our way. The rain and traffic was so bad it took like, it felt, twice as long to get back as it did to get there.  At least it was a simple drive, as far as the freeways that I had to take.

The university is huge and was easy to spot, plus, the International Heart Clinic is super close to the reception area, which made my day so much easier.

I do like Dr Brand and feel like I"m going to stick with the International Heart Clinic for my PH Specialists.

2010

The year 2010 was a good year all in all, for me. I had my ups and downs and so did my family. But we came out of 2010 I believe stronger and closer together and mother and daughters. as sisters, I don't think so, unfortunately, since they all live in three different states.

In 2010 I was able to see my depression almost completely go away, Thanks be to God! It took many years and many different medications, but I'm here,  mostly happy, mostly enjoying my life. I don't want to say completely because that would not be true. I do think that emotionally speaking, I'm the best I'm ever going to be. Once I get closer to God, who knows... the depression, sadness, may be completely lifted, that's up to God's will. not my own. I'd love to be depression free. who knows. it may happen one day, or maybe when I'm singing with the choirs of angels. who knows!

I started the year off on the east coast, enjoying snowmageddon. the brisk and cleanness of it all was so beautiful! until the cars came and dirtied it all up. but still it was beautiful while it lasted. The kids were all together in the beginning of the year, playing in the snow. actually having fun together! That was, for me, the most beautiful part of 2010! Seeing my kids playing and laughing was awesome!

I ended up my time on the east coast in a homeless shelter, which taught me so very very much! I no longer pass a homeless person without a smile or a thought. I no longer take for granted all the things I have been blessed with, a home, a car, food. True the home and car aren't mine. I don't feel like this is my home, of course it's not. it's my mom's. She tells me all the time this is my home and I need to think of it as if it is. I think that will come with time.
There is so much to be thankful for! The heater and the air conditioner, electricity and gas stoves. In the shelter, the temp that it was outside was the temp that it was inside. You always knew how to dress. And you could never cook for yourself. Churches, God bless them, would bring us food, breakfast lunch and dinner. And it was really good food. If I ever get the chance, I'm going to take food to a homeless shelter and feed them like I was fed too. It wasn't just churches that would bring food in, it was also individuals who had come with their churches before, and just wanted to help, communities would also volunteer. Once an entire block of women with their kids, cooked for us.

I was only there for 3 weeks, but I learned so much from the women that were there. One lady would tell me how nice I was, and I would say, I try. She said something that stuck with me.
She said, "We are not human trying, we are human beings. so stop trying and be." I just loved that!!!

In June, I traveled to California for the Pulmonary Hypertension Association's 9th International Conference in Garden Grove. I so enjoyed it and didn't want it to end! They only last a few days, less than a week, but they are so jam packed with information, fellowship, and love, that I felt I would burst with it all!

In October I moved to California. my daughter was already living with my mom, I had her stay here after conference so that she could begin the school year here instead of having to transfer during the school year.
My time in Cali hasn't been very good, I haven't made my time in Cali very pleasant. I've been lazy, I've been sad, well, read the last post where I talked about that. I'm hoping to make 2011 a better year here, hopefully I can find a job now that the recession is "Over". yea right.

there's more to say, but I'm going to end this here and right more later.

^i^

become another person

Do u remember that silly movie Master of Disguise with Dana Carvey some years ago? Well, if you didn't watch it, don't waste your time, if you did, sorry..... but Dana's character came from a long line of people who could disguise themselves and become other people than who they are.

Well, that's kinda what I want to do, become another person than who I am. I don't like how quickly I'm getting angry at the stupidest things. I don't like how lazy I'm getting in so many different ways. Basically, I want to change and become a better person. It's a long and hard road but I'm starting to pick up on where I left off in D.C. and work on myself. of course I have to be here for my kids. I have to be here for my mom. But I also have to be present for myself. SOOOOOO I took the first step on Friday and found a new counselor who seems like a nice guy and hopefully can help me reach my goals.

one foot in front of the other. here I go.

exhausted

I usually take a nap during the day, before carly gets home from school, and when I wake, I've got enough energy for the rest of the day. Today though, she didn't go to school becuase, well, let's just say, they didn't let her go. tomorrow either. so I wasn't able to nap. I've been exhausted since 4pm, but the day keeps going and going, and going. it's 8pm and I would really rather be asleep than wide awake...

When I first got here to Cali, I was sleeping at 8pm, and most days I'm still asleep by 8 or 9.... now I'm so tired, I feel like I should have been sleep since 6....

i am so exhausted!!!

the state of my depression

The state of my depression varies from day to day, as I'm pretty sure it does for most people. Some days I'll wake up feeling really good only to be having feelings of sadness and guilt and all those other feelings.

But lately, the guilt is kinda getting to me. I feel guilty for not appreciating the home my mother has given my daughter and me.

I used to be able to listen to whatever someone said to me and take it in, without responding. I never stood up for myself, never said anything. I internalized everything that was said and would take it to heart. Even if someone told me, you're a piece of shit, I would believe it because why would someone say such a hurtful thing if it wasn't true. Once, someone told me, I don't have a need for you. That hurt. I don't have a need for you.... wow. I thought to myself, so I'm not worthy of your friendship or anything else.

I do my best to love everyone, no matter what they have done in their past. I do my best to forgive as well, that one is much harder. But I also give people the benefit of the doubt, this one I do over and over , maybe to my own detriment. I do all of these things in hopes bring my self worth and esteem up just a tad. but not even. I think I do all of these things because it's in my nature to love people and want to forgive. So when she said, I don't have a need for you, that really was a low blow for me.I cried over that even. stupid huh?

Now that I'm feeling not so depressed anymore (really good English there. lol), I'm wanting to say, hey wait a minute, don't treat me like a child! I'm an adult and have been for a while now! Don't speak to me that way, who do you think you are? I'm not going to argue, except one time I called my sister something out of anger and frustration, and then we both burst out laughing! How could something like that come out of my mouth?!? lol .too funny.

Now though, I WANT TO ARGUE. I WANT TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF. and I feel guilty about that.
arggggg.... it's a never ending cycle that I really want to end. suggestions? comments? leave a message at the beep.

beeeeeep.

driving to norwalk, cerritos and the city of orange

so yesterday early my mom and i jumped in the car and drove down to Norwalk to get my birth certificate. I need it to get my CA driver's license. It took just a little while once we were in the right line. first, stop by the information desk, then at the line of computers to enter name, address and phone number. finally in a short line where we stood for less than i think fifteen minutes. once I got the birth certificate, we drove to my godmother's house to see her, my uncle and my nephew. we were there for a short while, maybe an hour, then drove to the city of orange so my mom could see an old friend.

the traffic from Temecula wasn't bad. we took the 15 to the 91 to the 5. but then on the way back, it was a bit hairy. not too bad as LA traffic goes. lol. but in total, we ended up taking more than 5 freeways, high ways whatever. lol.

it was nice to see everyone and to get my certificate.

I had to go to Norwalk, in L.A. county because I was born in L.A. my mom used to say the hospital where I was born was close to the freeway. My brothers would chime in, where most accidents happen!!! :-P

relationships

Relationships are hard enough, but add on top of that, a terminal incurable disease, and you've got a recipe for what could possibly be disaster!

I say possibly because I know people that have been together for years and years even with Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension, and have been able to some how make it.

but it seems to me that most people can't hack their partner, their loved one, with with terrible disease. The divorce rate is high among those who's spouse is ill, with whatever, even if it isn't as life threatening as Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension. I have some ideas why, for me, i think it was selfishness. my x spouse was selfish and wanted a "normal" life not filled with hospital stays and medications, and doctor's appointments. of course, that's not the only reason why we divorced. but i don't want to talk about my personal relationship or lack there of, with my x.

trying to date someone and me having PAH is a trying experience, when do I tell him I'm sick? when do I tell him I have an expiration date? will that be the deal breaker? for these reasons and more, I've not been on a date in a while. i did date for a bit in MD/DC but I doubt I will be here.

walking and walking

So my cholesterol is super high, I'm not going to tell you how high it is but lets just say it's super high. to combat it, I've stopped drinking sodas and am working hard to watch what I eat. I've also gone twice walking with my momma, it's fun and we get some quiet time together!
I'm looking forward to our walks too.

I hadn't walked since I left DC because, well, there are too many hills out here and my mom has a car. Also my back, with the Sciatica, hurt too much to do much standing, let alone walking. The first day was pretty rough for me. We walked to the park and then around it. We actually didn't walk too long because of my back, maybe fifteen minutes or so. anyways, the next day was better...

I'm hoping we can continue to walk because I know that's all the exercising I can do! bummer part though is, my almost 70 year old mom can walk faster than I can.

^i^