I've come a long way baby!

A dear friend of mine posted this image on my FB page. I was going to respond on FB but decided it was good enough to share here. 

I'm pretty proud of how far I have come!

 Depression , btw, hits me regardless how I'm feeling or what I'm doing in my life. I don't get depressed cuz I hate my life or myself. It's a chemical misfiring in my brain. 

This is what I have been working towards for many many years. I'm not there yet. Not by a long shot.  But at least I'm that much closer to liking myself let alone loving myself.  U know, I lost who I was for many many years. Didn't have any idea. Was one of the darkest times in my life.  Now I know that I can be ME , while being mother, grandmother, friend, daughter, sister and so on 

I can't say I'm half way there, but i have started and been working diligently day by day , sometimes hour by hour and even still moment by moment; to get as far as I have come so far! Believe me when I say I have come far!!! I no longer HATE myself. I no longer do nearly as much negative self talk. "You are stupid" "you are fat" "idiot" etc. that's almost completely gone, thanks to my bff Diane. When she heard me call myself stupid out loud,  she said to me "hey! Don't talk to my friend that way!"  And now I hear her voice in my head whenever I start the self loathing behaviors. 

Thank you Diane! 

And thank you Neeta for posting this on my page! Love you guys!! 

Update ! December 12, 2015

Hi everyone! I promised you guys an update and I 'm sorry I'm late getting online today... (yesterday it's nearly 1am.) But I had a wonderful time hanging out with Carlena and then when I got back home, my roomie and I had a fabulous time cooking and she gave me some awesome critiques about some gifts i'm making for family.

So... I'm going to keep this short since it's so late already, anyways I hope to. lol

I have always had a problem with depression hitting me hard during late fall early winter. It was mid to late September when I started feeling the blahs... The blahs turned into the blues, and then by late October, I was in full blown depression. Early'ish December I started having suicidal ideations. So let me tell you a little bit about the ideations that I have. but I want to make one thing PERFECTLY clear to everyone and anyone reading who thinks that I WANTED to die. NOPE!!!!! never have I said I wanted to  hurt myself, or worse, and truly truly meant it. I have a saying that I like to repeat to myself when I'm at my worst.

 It is our our Instinct not to become Extinct

So the ideations that I have are like a movie playing in my head. I dont want to see these movies playing. Wish there was something fun playing, a musical or romantic comedy... but no.... lol They come on their own, usually only when I'm at my worst point of depression. When everything is dark and cold and scary. When I feel so unloved, unworthy, that I start thinking, maybe the world would be a better place without me in it. Maybe my children and grand d would be better off with me to ruin their lives. Now, while i'm NOT in depression, i see how wrong that is. But when I am in major major depression as i usually get this time of year, I even feel unloved by God Himself. I feel myself left alone, abandoned by God. I shout in my head, "why have You forsaken me?" no I know I am NOT Jesus and I certainly wasn't in that kind of excruciating torture that Jesus must have been in. I can't even begin to imagine. and knowing full well that Christ died on the cross for our sins gives me such pause now because I had those ideations. 

Debbie, my sister, came with me to the E.R. on the 6th. I shared everything with the lady wwho registered me. then, the nurse that triaged me. then another nurse who was in the back taking care of me. i pretty much yelled at him when he asked why I was there. I said "I just told two other people the whole thing". he insisted so I said I would keep it short and sweet. I said to him, very slowly, making sure I enunciated  every single syllable "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE".  and then I asked if that was good enough for him. he had A  psychiatric nurse come down and speak to me. i wasn't as rude to her, thankfully, but I was sick of telling the world how awful I felt, how alone and miserable and unloved I felt. 

I was asked if I was voluntarily signing myself in, and yes I did. thankfully, because while I was there, I received very very care from the doctors and nurses and staff members. Since I've been to that hospital before, I was recognized by several staff who approached me said If I needed anything, to be sure to let them know. I wasn't allowed to have soda in the hospital, but somehow I snuck in a coke, a liter and a quarter. i guess it must have been under the blanket when I was wheeled into the psych ward. I drank several sips during the time I was there to make it last until the day I was discharged on the 10th, and I only had a few swallows left. truly helped to keep the migraines at bay. however, I did say that I dont drink water, which is true, so they gave me a soda, decaffeinated, goldish in color, i can't think of the name right now. anyways, I was able to have that with my meals and while taking meds. was very glad for that. 

The day before I was discharged, the 9th of December, I was complaining to my sister about the care I was NOT receiving there. She mentioned that if I could, I should try to get transferred to Sibley hospital in Washington DC. The day before, I had met for the first time with my social worker, a wonderful and kind woman with a heart of gold. She was patient with me as I shared my medical history, my family history, and why I was there. She got me a box of tissue when i was bawling my eyes out, but never once did she say she had to go, or she was in a hurry... never once did she look down at her watch, or make a face at me or anything, and the 2 sessions I had with her, both were more than an hour, Anyways, my social worker told me about a treatment done for people who take antidepressants but either do not get any relief whatsoever, or get relief for a short while and then it stops all together, like me. The treatment is called Electroconvulsive therapy - ECT, but thankfully I found Transcranial Electromagnetic Stimulation.  I asked the staff at the front desk several times, if they could print some information for me on TES but I had to ask many times before they were able to, and apparently, they aren't able to print anything out for you that isn't suggested by the doctors themselves. So i was grateful they could, regardless how many times I bugged the about it. 

Debbie was able to look up TES for me and found a doctor at Sibley Hospital who does that. however, when I was reading about it, one of the first side effects was Syncope. yeah,.... dont know about that. I saw my shrink twice the entire time I was there, and I asked about being transferred to Sibley.Sibley is part of  Hopkins, which I didn't know, but they all assumed that's why I wanted to go there. I wasn't going to tell them otherwise. 

So I was discharged from WAH on the condition that I would go to Sibley E.R. and get admitted. I mean, I went to Sibley after eating and showering, and getting fresh clothes on, not in that order. lol  I explained to the docs at sibley what happened and why I had requested to go there and out of WAH, However, I had not had an ideation all day, Except one in the wee hours when they went in to the room, woke me up to take blood. and yes, in case you were wondering I did let the know at Sibley.  

However, since I was no longer suicidal, actively or otherwise, they found me not to be a threat to myself or others. 

 Sooooo I went home. and that's the end!!!!! Good night!!!! it's nearly 1;45am now. this took a lot longer than I had wanted. lol

Hugs & Periwinkle Kisses!

I'm done.

What is on my mind? If it's a good day no no   if that PART of the day is good , nothing is on my mind.  When I'm watching a show or movie my mind is blank. I think of nothing. If it's a good show nothing can creep into my conscious thoughts but if I get up to go to the  room or get q drink or laying down in bed like now,y mind is a wash with emotions, emotions I had tried all fucking day not to feel or think about. Doesn't matter if two seconds ago I was cool. Once the head phones Coke off its all  over. And the flood gates get pushed wide opened . And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.  I used to not cry.  I didn't. I stopped when my kids were. young.  I was told I needed to let them see me be scared vulnerable etc.  when I they laughed. Like ive said. Before.  It was prob their coping skills. But that was the last time.  Now it's like I can't stop it anymore. I so want to give up and give in and not fight anymore. The only fight I have left in me is Take my pills my meds.  So now laying in bed in the dark w all this shit rushing over me is like a truck hitting me at 90 miles per hour.... I just.

For the most part I was able up keep my mind from thinking too much.

No Everything not ok. I'm a fucking wreck. My life is like a ball of string tangled and broken and frayed.  I don't want to be fixed.  I don't know what I want.

Can I scream? Can I cuss at the world and cry out ? Can I shake my fists at the heavens? Will any of do any good? I didn't think so.

So I keep myself from thinking. Stop my self from feeling, for as long as I can. I would so love to be able to do something to numb myself up. But that I cannot do. No drugs or alcohol for me.  I just feel so stinking done.

And then I cry on the phone to total strangers and to people who call to be sure I'm alright. As much as I normally would love to have friends call, like this right now I cannot. But I can't NOT answer. That would be rude right?
I was at giant yesterday and cried at the Check out when I couldn't find my credit card. Someone on the phone told me to calm down. How'd that helpful? I asked before saying I had to hang up. I didn't know this but was told I'm pushing people away and do each time I'm so depressed. I wish there was another word for what I'm going thru, and I know so many others here are too and world wide.  Depressed in such a depressing word. Like someone had their thumb on ur head and they are holding u down, keeping u from having the URGE to fight   I guess that someone is me, or at least the chemical misfiring sin my brain. I can deal with heart and lung disease,  chronic pain, endocrynogical body fighting against itself. What's the word?????

But depression hits and I'm wanting to quit. Wanting to turn tail n leave, and never look back.

That's where I am now.