So... I'm going to keep this short since it's so late already, anyways I hope to. lol
I have always had a problem with depression hitting me hard during late fall early winter. It was mid to late September when I started feeling the blahs... The blahs turned into the blues, and then by late October, I was in full blown depression. Early'ish December I started having suicidal ideations. So let me tell you a little bit about the ideations that I have. but I want to make one thing PERFECTLY clear to everyone and anyone reading who thinks that I WANTED to die. NOPE!!!!! never have I said I wanted to hurt myself, or worse, and truly truly meant it. I have a saying that I like to repeat to myself when I'm at my worst.
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It is our our Instinct not to become Extinct |
So the ideations that I have are like a movie playing in my head. I dont want to see these movies playing. Wish there was something fun playing, a musical or romantic comedy... but no.... lol They come on their own, usually only when I'm at my worst point of depression. When everything is dark and cold and scary. When I feel so unloved, unworthy, that I start thinking, maybe the world would be a better place without me in it. Maybe my children and grand d would be better off with me to ruin their lives. Now, while i'm NOT in depression, i see how wrong that is. But when I am in major major depression as i usually get this time of year, I even feel unloved by God Himself. I feel myself left alone, abandoned by God. I shout in my head, "why have You forsaken me?" no I know I am NOT Jesus and I certainly wasn't in that kind of excruciating torture that Jesus must have been in. I can't even begin to imagine. and knowing full well that Christ died on the cross for our sins gives me such pause now because I had those ideations.
Debbie, my sister, came with me to the E.R. on the 6th. I shared everything with the lady wwho registered me. then, the nurse that triaged me. then another nurse who was in the back taking care of me. i pretty much yelled at him when he asked why I was there. I said "I just told two other people the whole thing". he insisted so I said I would keep it short and sweet. I said to him, very slowly, making sure I enunciated every single syllable "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE". and then I asked if that was good enough for him. he had A psychiatric nurse come down and speak to me. i wasn't as rude to her, thankfully, but I was sick of telling the world how awful I felt, how alone and miserable and unloved I felt.
I was asked if I was voluntarily signing myself in, and yes I did. thankfully, because while I was there, I received very very care from the doctors and nurses and staff members. Since I've been to that hospital before, I was recognized by several staff who approached me said If I needed anything, to be sure to let them know. I wasn't allowed to have soda in the hospital, but somehow I snuck in a coke, a liter and a quarter. i guess it must have been under the blanket when I was wheeled into the psych ward. I drank several sips during the time I was there to make it last until the day I was discharged on the 10th, and I only had a few swallows left. truly helped to keep the migraines at bay. however, I did say that I dont drink water, which is true, so they gave me a soda, decaffeinated, goldish in color, i can't think of the name right now. anyways, I was able to have that with my meals and while taking meds. was very glad for that.
The day before I was discharged, the 9th of December, I was complaining to my sister about the care I was NOT receiving there. She mentioned that if I could, I should try to get transferred to Sibley hospital in Washington DC. The day before, I had met for the first time with my social worker, a wonderful and kind woman with a heart of gold. She was patient with me as I shared my medical history, my family history, and why I was there. She got me a box of tissue when i was bawling my eyes out, but never once did she say she had to go, or she was in a hurry... never once did she look down at her watch, or make a face at me or anything, and the 2 sessions I had with her, both were more than an hour, Anyways, my social worker told me about a treatment done for people who take antidepressants but either do not get any relief whatsoever, or get relief for a short while and then it stops all together, like me. The treatment is called Electroconvulsive therapy - ECT, but thankfully I found Transcranial Electromagnetic Stimulation. I asked the staff at the front desk several times, if they could print some information for me on TES but I had to ask many times before they were able to, and apparently, they aren't able to print anything out for you that isn't suggested by the doctors themselves. So i was grateful they could, regardless how many times I bugged the about it.
Debbie was able to look up TES for me and found a doctor at Sibley Hospital who does that. however, when I was reading about it, one of the first side effects was Syncope. yeah,.... dont know about that. I saw my shrink twice the entire time I was there, and I asked about being transferred to Sibley.Sibley is part of Hopkins, which I didn't know, but they all assumed that's why I wanted to go there. I wasn't going to tell them otherwise.
So I was discharged from WAH on the condition that I would go to Sibley E.R. and get admitted. I mean, I went to Sibley after eating and showering, and getting fresh clothes on, not in that order. lol I explained to the docs at sibley what happened and why I had requested to go there and out of WAH, However, I had not had an ideation all day, Except one in the wee hours when they went in to the room, woke me up to take blood. and yes, in case you were wondering I did let the know at Sibley.
However, since I was no longer suicidal, actively or otherwise, they found me not to be a threat to myself or others.
Sooooo I went home. and that's the end!!!!! Good night!!!! it's nearly 1;45am now. this took a lot longer than I had wanted. lol
Hugs & Periwinkle Kisses!
Hugs & Periwinkle Kisses!
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