twenty seventeen

2017, was at best, wonderful and fun, and at worse, horrible horrible horrible. Funny how life can change from day to day, hour to hour.

When I woke up early one morning in January 2017, I was playing with Ellie, having fun with Stevie, about to make breakfast. next moment, I was rushing to the hospital in D.C., to see my grandson, cold, in his mother's arms. What a horrible horrible day. :( :( :( the sadness of those days, weeks, months, became less horrible, less all-encompassing. I could laugh again with Ellie and Stevie and I ate more. Then, one day in April, I met someone. and we talked and talked, over the days and weeks and finally went out. it was nice.

I won't ever ever ever forget Benjamin. no way I could. But I am forgetting how he felt in my arms, the sound of his cries, how he smelled. and I hate that. I hate PH and all other chronic illnesses I have, for taking away those, and other, memories.

I am not an optimist person. I don't look at 2018 and think, good things are on the horizon. I just think, With God's help, things can be better!!! but at the same time, in the back of my head, I doubt..... I think that would be depression, low self-esteem and the demons that are constantly at war with me.