My Mental Illness

The Mayo Clinic gives us a clear definition of #mentalillness.  I am among those who suffer from these horrible conditions.
Please reconsider using words such a crazy, mental case, and more when referring to someone who probably does or has already gotten a diagnosis.
There are many who are self medicating, on drugs, alcohol, or any number of other things.
When i was young and was able to work, before PAH and all the rest, i was always afraid of introducing my sister Susan, may she rest in peace, or Debbie, they were always so much better than me, and i just knew i would lose all my friends. And any new employee i worked with, i reasoned, were trying to get my job, or take credit for what i did.  No one ever did, but that was my anxiety back then. 

I can totally still feel that way sometimes.

 It sucks and it hurts, and when, eveything  i was worried about, did not happen, that's when the horrible negative self talk began. I was worthless, i believed for decades, no one liked me and so I was all alone, i was stupid and ridiculous and everything that went wrong, was my fault. I just knew it was true. 

I have come to realize that i wasn't telling myself these things, because i wasnt in my right mind.  It was/is the disease telling me that.

Now when i hear myself say something like "you're such an idiot! Look at this mess you made!"i have to stop and actively tell myself, "Im not an idiot! It was an accident."

Anxiety, negative self talk, the name the medical community decided on is Generalized Anxiety Disorder, that's  all just a small part of my mental illness.  Maybe I'll talk about that in another post.