The new me???

I have been trying for years to change the way I think, the way I feel when people belittle me and hurt me. I've read articles and books on how to better yourself, lol I even made a stupid Pinterest board.
I want to be assertive
I want to be strong in my convictions.
I was to be able to say no and mean it and then not go back and say yes because I felt badly for saying no.
I want to have my own place.  With my own things. Decorated the way I want want to be.
I want to be financially stable enough that I don't need to ask for $$ for meds and food. Even if I have food stamps.
I want so badly to be able to work. Of course disabilities make that super hard.
I want to be able to tell certain people, that's it. You are too toxic for me. Get out of my FRIKIN life for good!!!
I want to not hurt every single day. I mean yeah ok so I have what I have. Can I get a day or two break in between bad flare ups?
I want to be able to speak my mind without later apologizing for being harsh or ugly or whatever.

Ok so not all of these things are going to happen. But even if one of them happened, things would get better right? There I go again. Playing the if only game. I've done it all my life.

If only I graduated high school id be happy.
If only I got married ...
If only I had children...
If only I could get away...

Right now in this point in time I don't care if I change.  I don't care if things get better for me.

I just don't understand

I don't understand. I mean I have been blessed by so many miracles in my life. So why can't I believe that God will send another one my way? I whole heartedly believe everyone else can get miracles or blessings or whatever you want to call it. Then why can't I believe I can?

Why do I believe my sins are so offensive to God that I cannot be forgiven? I know we are all forgiven of our sins and then after death we have purgatory to help with the rest. So why can't I believe?
Why do I believe God isn't listening to me when I pray when I know with all my heart God listens to everyone else - but me.

I just do not understand. I have felt this way for many years now.

This post does not need a reply but if you have the foggiest of ideas why, i would love to hear/read  your thoughts!

should i or shouldn't I?

I'm really really considering putting this blog up for monetization. i wouldn't have any idea how much i'd get and if it's per person, click or whatever. i'd probably get ads that would pay me whenever someone clicks on their link from my blog.

so I'd like to ask... would you click on a link, whether you purchase or not? would you read my blog at least once a month, I'm guessing, because I just had a notification that my blog 90 views in the past month. I am sure, really, that's as they say , "chump change" but chump change for me would be a nice little amount. lol since i dont even have chump change left over at the end of the month.....

so I'd love to have people comment on this and let me know, would you visit my page at least once a month? if I posted more regularly, would you come and read those too? and if there were advertisements on my page, would you click on them, if they were interesting to you ? I'm just wondering

HUGS n Periwinkle Kisses
Flippymom

A different life, a different time, a different me

In my younger years, I always pictured myself in an office of some sort, well after the time I seriously thought I would be a nun in the Catholic church. I never thought about a husband, or children. of course that would come. I had a plan for myself, I'd get married at 26 and have a child at 28.

But life has a funny way of throwing things for a loop. I ended up getting married at 18, and had my first daughter at 22, then my second child a year later, and finally my third daughter

i guess i'm just mourning the life i could have had. I could have
i guess i'm just complaining and acting like a baby

I cannot tell a lie

But we do, don't we? Lie regularly that is. If someone asks me how I'm doing, first thing out of my mouth, regardless if it's true or not, is "I'm fine thanks!". but if people knew how I was feeling, I'm sure they would never ask. Who wants to be bombarded with all the crap I go through on a daily basis. People with Chronic Illness, unless a cure is found, will always and forever be sick. Yes, of course, we all have good days and bad days.

For me, I know I'm doing better if the good days outnumber the bad. But lately, I've been having a rough time.
A dear friend asked me recently how I was doing, I asked her if she really wanted to know, or was she just being polite. I could tell she was just doing the same small talk we all do from time to time, but I just wanted to know if people really care about how I'm doing. so I've started to ask.

It's a lot to take on, listening to all this. and people don't know what to say when you're done, usually it's "Oh I'm sorry you are going through that". for me, i always shrug my shoulders like it's no big deal and say "heck! I've been sick for nearly 18 years!"

Well, I was diagnosed nearly 18 years ago, but have been having symptoms of Pulmonary Hypertension at least 2 years prior, right after I gave birth. But I'm wondering lately if I wasn't sick while I was pregnant. It's so very dangerous being pregnant with Pulmonary Hypertension. the pregnancy always takes up so much energy and already puts a strain on the heart with a healthy person. I person with chronic illness such as PH, it could be very harmful to both baby and momma.

Anyways, back to telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. These days, I don't see how that's possible. I have been trying all my adulthood to tell the truth, but things have to be said to protect others, or to not hurt them emotionally. Now that my family is grown, I'm being asked to lie for them. I don't like this at all, not one bit, and I've told people this. But if it gets them out of harm's way, of course I will.

So to tell the truth or to not tell the truth. honestly in my opinion, you should strive to be honest in every way, but to spare someone from any kind of suffering, I'd probably sugar coat it. Question now I guess is, how do you know when you're being lied to?

extreme boredom. been watching Gilmore Girls all fucking day. on the last season. i hate that my life is watching television all fucking day. dont want to craft, dont want to color, dont want to eat, dont want to drink. want to sleep my life away. dont even want to be aware. dont want these fucked up dreams i've been having.

people chasing me, trying to kill me. running around not knowing what to do or say. then being caught and thrown into a bus, where people are asking me questions that i have no idea the answers to, and if i don't they will kill me.

so i try to escape. then as i'm running away, i get caught again but this time i'm thrown into a submarine. in this submarine people are shoving me and pushing me and kicking me. then the doors start opening up and people with knives and guns come after me. i hate hate hate these dreams lately.

i hate hate hate my life lately. and in the near near super near future things are going to change. i may be moving across the country, or i may stay here but move to a different place. there's so much going on. :( stress is beyond ridiculous. if i end up leaving here, i want to do things before i go, museums, up the washington monument, the basilica, so many things .... but of course, knowing me, i wont do shit. i'll just pack my shit and go.

What if?

What if everything I was ever taught, everything that I hold near and dear, all my truths that I cling onto when I'm at the worst points in my life, were not real?

 

What if there was no God? 

What if people made God up and all us desperate people needed something to believe in?
What if there is no heaven or hell? And when you die you die? All of our prayers were for nothing?

Some of my favorite saints and my fav Guardian Angel pic

Of course I refuse to believe that God doesn't exist.but why then does it feel like all my prayers have fallen on deaf ears, not that God is deaf, but no one is hearing my pleas and cry?