exhausted

I usually take a nap during the day, before carly gets home from school, and when I wake, I've got enough energy for the rest of the day. Today though, she didn't go to school becuase, well, let's just say, they didn't let her go. tomorrow either. so I wasn't able to nap. I've been exhausted since 4pm, but the day keeps going and going, and going. it's 8pm and I would really rather be asleep than wide awake...

When I first got here to Cali, I was sleeping at 8pm, and most days I'm still asleep by 8 or 9.... now I'm so tired, I feel like I should have been sleep since 6....

i am so exhausted!!!

the state of my depression

The state of my depression varies from day to day, as I'm pretty sure it does for most people. Some days I'll wake up feeling really good only to be having feelings of sadness and guilt and all those other feelings.

But lately, the guilt is kinda getting to me. I feel guilty for not appreciating the home my mother has given my daughter and me.

I used to be able to listen to whatever someone said to me and take it in, without responding. I never stood up for myself, never said anything. I internalized everything that was said and would take it to heart. Even if someone told me, you're a piece of shit, I would believe it because why would someone say such a hurtful thing if it wasn't true. Once, someone told me, I don't have a need for you. That hurt. I don't have a need for you.... wow. I thought to myself, so I'm not worthy of your friendship or anything else.

I do my best to love everyone, no matter what they have done in their past. I do my best to forgive as well, that one is much harder. But I also give people the benefit of the doubt, this one I do over and over , maybe to my own detriment. I do all of these things in hopes bring my self worth and esteem up just a tad. but not even. I think I do all of these things because it's in my nature to love people and want to forgive. So when she said, I don't have a need for you, that really was a low blow for me.I cried over that even. stupid huh?

Now that I'm feeling not so depressed anymore (really good English there. lol), I'm wanting to say, hey wait a minute, don't treat me like a child! I'm an adult and have been for a while now! Don't speak to me that way, who do you think you are? I'm not going to argue, except one time I called my sister something out of anger and frustration, and then we both burst out laughing! How could something like that come out of my mouth?!? lol .too funny.

Now though, I WANT TO ARGUE. I WANT TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF. and I feel guilty about that.
arggggg.... it's a never ending cycle that I really want to end. suggestions? comments? leave a message at the beep.

beeeeeep.

driving to norwalk, cerritos and the city of orange

so yesterday early my mom and i jumped in the car and drove down to Norwalk to get my birth certificate. I need it to get my CA driver's license. It took just a little while once we were in the right line. first, stop by the information desk, then at the line of computers to enter name, address and phone number. finally in a short line where we stood for less than i think fifteen minutes. once I got the birth certificate, we drove to my godmother's house to see her, my uncle and my nephew. we were there for a short while, maybe an hour, then drove to the city of orange so my mom could see an old friend.

the traffic from Temecula wasn't bad. we took the 15 to the 91 to the 5. but then on the way back, it was a bit hairy. not too bad as LA traffic goes. lol. but in total, we ended up taking more than 5 freeways, high ways whatever. lol.

it was nice to see everyone and to get my certificate.

I had to go to Norwalk, in L.A. county because I was born in L.A. my mom used to say the hospital where I was born was close to the freeway. My brothers would chime in, where most accidents happen!!! :-P

relationships

Relationships are hard enough, but add on top of that, a terminal incurable disease, and you've got a recipe for what could possibly be disaster!

I say possibly because I know people that have been together for years and years even with Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension, and have been able to some how make it.

but it seems to me that most people can't hack their partner, their loved one, with with terrible disease. The divorce rate is high among those who's spouse is ill, with whatever, even if it isn't as life threatening as Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension. I have some ideas why, for me, i think it was selfishness. my x spouse was selfish and wanted a "normal" life not filled with hospital stays and medications, and doctor's appointments. of course, that's not the only reason why we divorced. but i don't want to talk about my personal relationship or lack there of, with my x.

trying to date someone and me having PAH is a trying experience, when do I tell him I'm sick? when do I tell him I have an expiration date? will that be the deal breaker? for these reasons and more, I've not been on a date in a while. i did date for a bit in MD/DC but I doubt I will be here.

walking and walking

So my cholesterol is super high, I'm not going to tell you how high it is but lets just say it's super high. to combat it, I've stopped drinking sodas and am working hard to watch what I eat. I've also gone twice walking with my momma, it's fun and we get some quiet time together!
I'm looking forward to our walks too.

I hadn't walked since I left DC because, well, there are too many hills out here and my mom has a car. Also my back, with the Sciatica, hurt too much to do much standing, let alone walking. The first day was pretty rough for me. We walked to the park and then around it. We actually didn't walk too long because of my back, maybe fifteen minutes or so. anyways, the next day was better...

I'm hoping we can continue to walk because I know that's all the exercising I can do! bummer part though is, my almost 70 year old mom can walk faster than I can.

^i^

Christmas shopping?

This is going to be a really tight holiday season. not

sure what else to say. I'm making ornaments to give

to family but the kids, nieces and nephews, aren't

going to like them. they want toys, fun stuff. i bought

a tin of popcorn for $5 for my brother's family and

for my uncle. that's pretty much the extent of it. oh

yea. i bought a $5 shirt for my nephew. i made

jewelry for my girls, but i don't think it's going to be enough. i have some t shirts i got several months ago for

each... big whoop
why am i so frikin down? I don't want to say i'm depressed because I spent a nice day with mom and later carly at the mall. not that i spent anything.

QOTD

So I have been posting Questions of the Day almost every day on Facebook for many months. I get really excited to see what the responses are from those on FB that do reply. I wish more people would, since I have so many PHriends as friends on that social networking site.

The most popular QOTD's have got to be the Roll Call. Roll Call is when i ask people to share where they are, what their diagnosis (es) are, and what meds they take. I really enjoy seeing who answer these questions and what part of the country, or world, they live in.

So if you follow me on FB, please answer the QOTD so that others can see where you are and friend you as well. But if you don't follow me on FB, I'm at www.facebook.com/flippymom

with love

Alex ^i^