Monday, January 1, 2018

twenty seventeen

2017, was at best, wonderful and fun, and at worse, horrible horrible horrible. Funny how life can change from day to day, hour to hour.
When I woke up early one morning in January 2017, I was playing with Ellie, having fun with Stevie, about to make breakfast. next moment, I was rushing to the hospital in D.C., to see my grandson, cold, in his mother's arms. What a horrible horrible day. :( :( :( the sadness of those days, weeks, months, became less horrible, less all-encompassing. I could laugh again with Ellie and Stevie and I ate more. Then, one day in April, I met someone. and we talked and talked, over the days and weeks and finally went out. it was nice.
I won't ever ever ever forget Benjamin. no way I could. But I am forgetting how he felt in my arms, the sound of his cries, how he smelled. and I hate that. I hate PH and all other chronic illnesses I have, for taking away those, and other, memories.

I am not an optimist person. I don't look at 2018 and think, good things are on the horizon. I just think, With God's help, things can be better!!! but at the same time, in the back of my head, I doubt..... I think that would be depression, low self-esteem and the demons that are constantly at war with me.