Wednesday, February 23, 2011

a bit better today

depression not so bad today. things not so bleak.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I thought crying was supposed to be good for the soul. I thought you were supposed to feel better after a good cry. these are things that i have been told, all of which don't hold water, at least not for me.

Two days ago, Carlena was here arguing and fighting, blowing her sax (which she loves!!!!!) while I tried to rest. We asked her to stop, we asked her to calm down and if she wanted to play her sax to please go to her room. Well, she wouldn't. mom told me she couldn't handle another day with her, she was out of control, and I had to send her to her fathers. I bought the ticket to send her back and these past two days has been a world wind of emotions! Anger, blame, and finally sobbing as if, God forbid, she had died, or was going to.

This morning at 6 am, we left mom's and headed for the airport. I've been crying ever since. I miss my baby. I feel like i didn't do enough for her. i didn't do enough to get her help. i feel like i gave up on my daughter.

so i've cried and cried until it feels like i have no more tears left, and then a fresh lump forms in my throat and the tears flow. but my soul doesn't feel refreshed. it's not a relief. it just hurts like hell. and now, i feel like i'm going to throw up.

who knows how long i'm going to feel like this. i know i need to double up on my steroids because i do feel so bad, sick almost. my head hurts, my eyes are blood shot, my throat hurts. i just want to know, when is all this crying and pain supposed to go away?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

CPAP how I hate you!

How do I hate you, let me count the ways:

Your mask leaves marks on my face
The straps pull my hair in the middle of the night and wake me up
I feel like I can't breath with you blowing all your air in my face
The air you blow chaps my lips
The noise you make keeps me up
With your tubing I trip in the middle of the night
I still snore even though I'm not supposed to when I use you

Oh CPAP how I hate you!

Saturday, February 12, 2011


Like I do every year when one of my children has a birthday, I dig deep into my memories and replay the story of their birth. Lulu will be 15 on St. Valentine's Day!! Time to go back in time and relive the moments that brought my darling youngest daughter into this world. How I love that little girl and miss her so much! Lulu lives in Texas with her father and grandmother, and I miss her so much! I see her twice a year, one week during Christmas, and two weeks during summer.

Knowing that Luzy would be the last baby i'd ever have, I knew I wanted to really really enjoy the pregnancy, babyhood, and todlerhood. Of course it was difficult having two others that were being potty trained at the same time, and running around driving me nuts. lol.

Luzy was born in Vista California, in Tri City Hospital in the afternoon. she was a very healthy 6 lbs 1 oz baby who's apgar scores were high. Such a beautiful newborn, nurses were coming in to see the lovely child who's lungs were so strong. lol. Her delivery was uneventful, thank goodness!!! and we were all very happy to have her join the family, finally.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

nasty fall!

I had a nasty fall today outside some business offices.... I don't know really how I feel, but i was arguing with my child when down i went! I was so embarrassed because I hadn't fallen like that in a long time. Now, my ankle is swollen and my knee is all torn up. I"m in a lot of pain but that's what I get I suppose. UGH