Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I thought crying was supposed to be good for the soul. I thought you were supposed to feel better after a good cry. these are things that i have been told, all of which don't hold water, at least not for me.

Two days ago, Carlena was here arguing and fighting, blowing her sax (which she loves!!!!!) while I tried to rest. We asked her to stop, we asked her to calm down and if she wanted to play her sax to please go to her room. Well, she wouldn't. mom told me she couldn't handle another day with her, she was out of control, and I had to send her to her fathers. I bought the ticket to send her back and these past two days has been a world wind of emotions! Anger, blame, and finally sobbing as if, God forbid, she had died, or was going to.

This morning at 6 am, we left mom's and headed for the airport. I've been crying ever since. I miss my baby. I feel like i didn't do enough for her. i didn't do enough to get her help. i feel like i gave up on my daughter.

so i've cried and cried until it feels like i have no more tears left, and then a fresh lump forms in my throat and the tears flow. but my soul doesn't feel refreshed. it's not a relief. it just hurts like hell. and now, i feel like i'm going to throw up.

who knows how long i'm going to feel like this. i know i need to double up on my steroids because i do feel so bad, sick almost. my head hurts, my eyes are blood shot, my throat hurts. i just want to know, when is all this crying and pain supposed to go away?

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