Friday, February 27, 2015

Just another Brick in the Wall

Have you ever felt as if you have hit a brick wall? of course not literally... but like you just cannot move another muscle, or you just cannot stand for anymore time or you'll fall flat on your face?

well, I have hit that brick wall so many times this past week and a half, it's not even funny. Some people think when you say you are crashing, it means i can go another hour and I'll be ok..  But if I say I'm crashing, I mean, right now this very instant, get me somewhere where i can sit or I will fall over. If i saw I need to puke, don't stand there looking at me like I'm stupid. I mean, I cannot move fast enough or far enough to get to the toilet, trash can, sink, whatever, to make it and u need to bring me something before it goes everywhere.

Daily life with a chronic illness, and in my case, several chronic illnesses, isn't fun and games... not usually. yeah i take lots of pics of me and my family, especially my gorgeous grand! :) :) :) she is the light of my life! but if u look close enough, you can see how really exhausted I am, just hiding it behind the smile. People have asked me why I dont just show how I really am, or when asked how I feel, tell the truth... well, it's easier to hide behind a smile and say "I'm Alright", than to explain to you how I really feel and how things really are.

telling someone who doesn't understand Pulmonary Hypertension, panhypopituitarism or fibromyalgia, and let's be honest, if you dont have these things, you dont understand what living with it is like... is 1. exhausting in and of itself. because you see their eyes glaze over and you just want to stop talking. 2. makes you more acutely aware of how things really are, and 3. makes it all the more real for yourself.  So I'll stick with I'm Alright thanks, hiding behind the smiles.

I put the bricks up to shield myself from the outside and to protect myself from what i'm really feeling, thinking.

All in all it's just another brick in the wall.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

on a scale of 1 to 10

i need to talk for a bit here.

this is the second worst day of pain that i have had in several weeks. like usual though, it has come with exhaustion and nausea and dizziness. :( i can't even craft today, even the glue gun is too heavy.

 i'm keeping hydrated with crystal light ... ive stopped coke... do you think this is why i'm in such pain? It's been about about week now. I see the endocrinologist tomorrow... was going to the Vietnamese embassy to watch a free movie and get a tour around the embassy today. now there's no way. i just feel so awful. dont wanna cry. not going to cry!

i think i need to sleep. this really really sucks... you know? I feel this lump n my throat butu keep pushing it down. i am NOT going to cry. so tired. so much fucking pain. :( :( :(  i know i've been blessed with more good than bad days. mostly good days! in the past several years. but now.... i just want to curl up and sleep.... but then i think i'm wasting my life by sleeping it away. we all know how precious life is... so why am i wasting it. even if i'm up  watching tv or crafting or talking to you guys, i feel at least i'm doing SOMETHING. you know?

 on a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 is no pain and ten is the worst pain you've ever had in all your life.... i'm at a 7.5 or 8

Monday, February 23, 2015

God has blessed me these past years with feeling good, motivated, energetic, even with chronic illness. i have wondered when the other shoe will drop. you know? I haven't felt "sick" like this in a while. seriously. besides fibro pain, i could have forgotten about PH and chronic illness and all that. more good days than bad. right? but this reminds me how delicate our bodies really are. how many things can really just go wrong and how one day, we will all go kaput.  regardless if you are sick or not... it will happen. Only Jesus rose from the dead. Mary was assumed into heaven body and soul without dying first. but.... i'm not even 10% of the woman my blessed mother is! ok not even .0005% . so..... I wont be assumed and I'm certainly not going to rise from the dead. lol I know things could be sooo much worse.... I know my conditions are small, comparatively. I know my symptoms are tiny comparatively. I know my pain is tiny too. but with that being said, it's all i can focus on. so it seems to take over everything I do. can I cook tonight? do I have energy? and if I do cook, can i clean up the mess I make? can I hold up a glue gun? or is it going to be too heavy? A glass of water gets heavy too!!! can I keep my eyes open long enough to watch a movie? how about a 30 minute tv show? right now, i'd have to say no. i hate feeling like this!  and of course, you do know, with all that comes depression!! so either way i'm screwed. I'm going to go lay down now and try to sleep. hopefully not for the entire evening. i just feel like i'm wasting my life away.

Emotional crap!!!

I'm not a crier. i never was. when i was first diagnosed and couldn't do anything for my kids or myself, i cried all the time....  but they were so young they didn't understand... and their way to cope was to laugh at me. so i forced myself to stop crying and it's been forever since I boo hoo'ed. it hate crying. the way t makes me feel. yesterday i actually sat for five minutes and bawled my eyes out. the pain and exhaustion were so totally overwhelming. but when my roommate walked in, I totally dried off my tears and that was the end of that. now i feel like everything is making me want to cry... ugh!!! :( :( I hate this shit