Monday, February 23, 2015

God has blessed me these past years with feeling good, motivated, energetic, even with chronic illness. i have wondered when the other shoe will drop. you know? I haven't felt "sick" like this in a while. seriously. besides fibro pain, i could have forgotten about PH and chronic illness and all that. more good days than bad. right? but this reminds me how delicate our bodies really are. how many things can really just go wrong and how one day, we will all go kaput.  regardless if you are sick or not... it will happen. Only Jesus rose from the dead. Mary was assumed into heaven body and soul without dying first. but.... i'm not even 10% of the woman my blessed mother is! ok not even .0005% . so..... I wont be assumed and I'm certainly not going to rise from the dead. lol I know things could be sooo much worse.... I know my conditions are small, comparatively. I know my symptoms are tiny comparatively. I know my pain is tiny too. but with that being said, it's all i can focus on. so it seems to take over everything I do. can I cook tonight? do I have energy? and if I do cook, can i clean up the mess I make? can I hold up a glue gun? or is it going to be too heavy? A glass of water gets heavy too!!! can I keep my eyes open long enough to watch a movie? how about a 30 minute tv show? right now, i'd have to say no. i hate feeling like this!  and of course, you do know, with all that comes depression!! so either way i'm screwed. I'm going to go lay down now and try to sleep. hopefully not for the entire evening. i just feel like i'm wasting my life away.

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