Friday, February 27, 2015

Just another Brick in the Wall

Have you ever felt as if you have hit a brick wall? of course not literally... but like you just cannot move another muscle, or you just cannot stand for anymore time or you'll fall flat on your face?

well, I have hit that brick wall so many times this past week and a half, it's not even funny. Some people think when you say you are crashing, it means i can go another hour and I'll be ok..  But if I say I'm crashing, I mean, right now this very instant, get me somewhere where i can sit or I will fall over. If i saw I need to puke, don't stand there looking at me like I'm stupid. I mean, I cannot move fast enough or far enough to get to the toilet, trash can, sink, whatever, to make it and u need to bring me something before it goes everywhere.

Daily life with a chronic illness, and in my case, several chronic illnesses, isn't fun and games... not usually. yeah i take lots of pics of me and my family, especially my gorgeous grand! :) :) :) she is the light of my life! but if u look close enough, you can see how really exhausted I am, just hiding it behind the smile. People have asked me why I dont just show how I really am, or when asked how I feel, tell the truth... well, it's easier to hide behind a smile and say "I'm Alright", than to explain to you how I really feel and how things really are.

telling someone who doesn't understand Pulmonary Hypertension, panhypopituitarism or fibromyalgia, and let's be honest, if you dont have these things, you dont understand what living with it is like... is 1. exhausting in and of itself. because you see their eyes glaze over and you just want to stop talking. 2. makes you more acutely aware of how things really are, and 3. makes it all the more real for yourself.  So I'll stick with I'm Alright thanks, hiding behind the smiles.

I put the bricks up to shield myself from the outside and to protect myself from what i'm really feeling, thinking.

All in all it's just another brick in the wall.

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