Thursday, September 19, 2013

Feeling Very Unaccomplished .....

I met an old highschool friend for lunch one afternoon in Cerritos, and we got to talking about other friends we went to school with. someone's a professor at UCLA, someone teaches in a tech school, someone else started their own business, and on and on and on. and all I could say was, I was a high wife. raised three kids and now I'm a child care provider for my grand baby. man, do I feel unaccomplished! really.  i do. :(

i'm back to trying to do something crafty, and while in Cali, my sis and I went to a hobby lobby - LOVE THAT PLACE!!! would be better if they weren't so frikin expensive. and I made my grand daughter several hair ribbons with a sweet minnie mouse ribbon i bought her there.. on 50% off sale... but you know, as "crafty" as I think I am, because I know I'm not really, ok ok... as crafty as I pretend to be. lol...... that's nothing. these people... these old friends of mine..... they are molding and changing young minds.. they are really out there changing the world! a housewife? ya that's an important thing to do... raising kids.. of course! i wouldn't have had it any other way... i don' want to play the what ifs and the if onlys..... but if only i had gone to college. what if i had applied myself and truly studied? i wouldn't be a cashier at a department store for what feels like the rest of my life. don't get me wrong. i enjoy working with people. i really do. but how is that going to make the world a better place?

I guess I'm taking stock of what I have done during the past forty some odd years, and I'm not pleased. Married right out of high school. started a family three years later. got sick during that time, laid in bed sick for four years.... was married for twenty years... Then finally, finally, started living after a divorce. I lost myself during those two decades. I mean literally. I had no idea who I was anymore. I was so engrossed and focused on raising my family, I lost my identity. Who was I? What did I like? What did i believe? slowly and little by little, I found myself again. I saw that I didn't like who I had become during those twenty years, and I needed to change that. I'm finding flaws in myself, my complaining, dwelling on the past, that kind of thing. I'm also quick to anger if provoked. so I have to work on that.

But of course, my  married life had an effect on me. i think of it often. what if I had tried harder? what if I had done better? what if I had never gotten Pulmonary Hypertension? would I ever have woken up from my dream like state? would I ever have stepped off my boring life into a life that I'm now happy to be living? However, I can see myself falling into complacency again... staying indoors for weeks at a time. and that too i have to change. I tend to dwell too much inside myself.

it's after 6 a.m. and I've been up for a while now. I think I'm still on Pacific time because I'm exhausted and would very much like to go back to sleep. But I know if I don't get this out of me, I won't be able to sleep,. not peacefully anyways. I tend to wake up at all hours, or not be able to go to sleep to begin with, if there is something brewing inside of me that needs to be released.

I'm not one to talk on the phone. too much drama. i have friends who only want to talk about themselves and i'm dying to say, listen to me... but half the time i'm complaining...alright! three quarters of the time I'm complaining! :( I know it's the truth. and I do need to work on it. But I also feel like I need to be heard. most of the time though, whether or not I'm saying things out loud, it feels like I'm not being heard... people take out their cell phones. play on facebook, twitter, instagram, whatever, and nearly completely ignore what you are saying. or they are formulating a response in their heads and miss completely the point I was trying to make. I'm guilty of that at times. another thing I need to work at. If I'm speaking to someone and  I'm giving them only partial attention, my mind wonders. So I have to close the laptop, put away the phone, stop making mental lists  of what we need or what i need to do, and give them 100%. It's a hard thing to do. especially on the phone, when you have people behind you yelling, or asking you questions, or whatever. so i'm not a phone person anymore.  I just lost track of what I was saying. and this is more of a book than a post, so I'm going to log off. Thank you thank you thank you for listening to me (figuratively) and if you understand what I'm talking about, if you feel a tiny bit of what I'm saying applies to you, let me know.  however you feel is appropriate. let me know. Because I want to know that I'm not the only person feeling so unaccomplished!

I guess changing the world begins at home. that is going to be a huge task! lol I'm going to lay back down again and hope to sleep a little better now. I know this isn't everything that is brewing up inside of me... but I have to process things as they come. once again, thank you for reading this and listening to my rantings! HUGS!!!

1 comment:

  1. Alex, I know how you feel. Illness robs us of so much as do other things that we allow. It really is up to us. I have been so bored the last 3 1/2 years and I am ready to write my next Chapter. Excited to see what's in store for us because it is never too late. Hugs.