Monday, August 3, 2015

I do think this is true but.... =

I don't mean to be ungrateful for the past 18 years of my life that I've been given. This gift of time with my family and friends and PHriends- but this chronic disease has not passed. In fact I've gotten a few more. I'm getting to a point where platitudes, instead of giving me comfort, are starting to piss me off! Maybe it's cuz I'm going thru bit of depression with anger and resentment right now. Coming up on 18 yrs since diagnosis does something to u - well to me anyways. I see my PHriends passing away, or struggling to live, I see babies in pain undergoing major medical procedures,  and truly I have to ask "Why, My God? Why?"  I don't want to ask.  I don't. But I feel like I must. I know I won't get a response. I know God hears me. I do. I'm afraid for Adriana. I'm afraid for Michael. I mourn for those that pass, those who are close to me and those I've never met but know online.  Why? Why My God? Honestly honestly in ALL HONESTY I am sooooo glad I got sick instead of my children or anyone else in my family. I look at my kids and know they too are battling their own things. If I could I would take that from them too. Why? Why are we fighting for life, some of us literally, some of us are fighting for what they believe is a normal life, without anxiety, pain or sadness. Why do we need to fight? I guess that would be my ultimate question for my Lord and God. But it's not for me to ask. So I say it only in my mind and never out loud.  I don't feel any stronger; emotionally now, all these years since being sick. Yes I am stronger physically, but does that count when all I can do is sit and watch movies or spend my days on social media? Why is that all I can do u may ask? It's all due to chronic pain.

I dont want to end this post on a negative or sad note. I didn't want this to be about me. I didn't want this to be a sad post. I wanted it be more like , well not this..... i dont know what I want, what I wanted to say... 

doesn't it always feel like i'm complaining about something? I thank you from the bottom of my sick heart ( lol )  continuing to read this and hopefully you wont stop reading this blog...  If you dont mind, leave me a comment and let me know what you think about this post or my blog. thanks!!!

HUGS n Periwinkle Kisses

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