Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Dealing with Depression

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of depression. I have not posted much on fb or twitter or any of the other social media sites like I normally do.. except on FB i have been putting out some thoughts I have had, and I know it has been alarming to some. 

I'm usually light and cheerful online, I should say, my online persona is. In real life, depression plagues me nearly daily. Even if I'm having a good day, laughing with family or friends, enjoying a walk in the neighborhood, or whatever, the darkness is still in the back of my mind. I know it's there, how could I not. It's always nagging and pocking at me thoughts. I have found myself, especially these past few days, stopping to think about something, and finding a few minutes later, that the darkness had enveloped me for what felt like a life time, but truly was only a few minutes. 

I sat outside the other evening, enjoying the fresh night air, ,the first time I had gone outside of the apartment in 4 or 5 days, waiting for my daughter to come pick up something she had forgotten. I took a breath in and found myself a few minutes later  with tears being held back by sheer will. Someone had stopped to speak to me and I pulled out of the darkness. This isn't unusual for me. 

Yes I'm on several types of antidepressants and have been for many many years. not the same ones. You wanna know why the doctors call what they do "Practicing Medicine"? Because they haven't gotten it right yet. not for me anyways. I have had so many different types of antidepressants, it's not even funny. i bet you wouldn't be able to name any that I haven't been on, and even some that weren't meant for depression, but they wanted to see if it would work. 

 I have a list ready and available of coping skills.. i could rattle them off now, but i dont wanna bore you. I use coloring as wayl to try to remove the stress somewhat, but when your life is filled with stress like mine, ours, nearly everyone's- how can it not be? - as a parent I worry about my daughters and my granddaughter. I worry about my family,my mom, my siblings, nieces and nephews, inlaws, etc. i worry about my phriends and friends. I worry about the planet and the atmosphere.of course, many people have called me a worry wart, but i have found a way to keep my mind pretty much blank... 
netflix, tv shows, movies etc, and at the same time, crafting of some sort. i used to craft like crazy for my grand but now that nearly 3,000 miles are between us, i doubt i will be doing that anymore. christmas gifts are all but done... just a few more to make.. i used to craft for awareness month, and conferences... sold the proceeds and presented it to pha. last conference was 120 for jewelry and ribbons. lots of fun! music and friends .. wow i guess i did tell you my list, basically. so i know how to care for myself when i get down.
i just dont care right now to care for myself. i dont, i have family calling and sending me pm's. go see a shrink. pray. God will help you. take your meds. etc etc etc. right now, none of these help and i dont care if they do or not. i know when to seek help, inpatient i mean... and those who are close to me know that i have been inpatient for suicidal ideations several times. ok ok many times. like i said, i know what to do and when to do it

I truly truly appreciate and love all the love and support I have gotten online, in person, via phone or text, etc. I even got a skype call from a dear dear friends across the county. It means the world to me knowing that you guys care and pray for me. I do for you guys too.

I'd like to say that this too shall pass, but for those of us with mental illness, it doesn't pass. it doesn't go away. it gets a little better, and then comes back, and gets better and comes back....

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