Friday, December 4, 2015

I'm done.

What is on my mind? If it's a good day no no   if that PART of the day is good , nothing is on my mind.  When I'm watching a show or movie my mind is blank. I think of nothing. If it's a good show nothing can creep into my conscious thoughts but if I get up to go to the  room or get q drink or laying down in bed like now,y mind is a wash with emotions, emotions I had tried all fucking day not to feel or think about. Doesn't matter if two seconds ago I was cool. Once the head phones Coke off its all  over. And the flood gates get pushed wide opened . And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.  I used to not cry.  I didn't. I stopped when my kids were. young.  I was told I needed to let them see me be scared vulnerable etc.  when I they laughed. Like ive said. Before.  It was prob their coping skills. But that was the last time.  Now it's like I can't stop it anymore. I so want to give up and give in and not fight anymore. The only fight I have left in me is Take my pills my meds.  So now laying in bed in the dark w all this shit rushing over me is like a truck hitting me at 90 miles per hour.... I just.

For the most part I was able up keep my mind from thinking too much.

No Everything not ok. I'm a fucking wreck. My life is like a ball of string tangled and broken and frayed.  I don't want to be fixed.  I don't know what I want.

Can I scream? Can I cuss at the world and cry out ? Can I shake my fists at the heavens? Will any of do any good? I didn't think so.

So I keep myself from thinking. Stop my self from feeling, for as long as I can. I would so love to be able to do something to numb myself up. But that I cannot do. No drugs or alcohol for me.  I just feel so stinking done.

And then I cry on the phone to total strangers and to people who call to be sure I'm alright. As much as I normally would love to have friends call, like this right now I cannot. But I can't NOT answer. That would be rude right?
I was at giant yesterday and cried at the Check out when I couldn't find my credit card. Someone on the phone told me to calm down. How'd that helpful? I asked before saying I had to hang up. I didn't know this but was told I'm pushing people away and do each time I'm so depressed. I wish there was another word for what I'm going thru, and I know so many others here are too and world wide.  Depressed in such a depressing word. Like someone had their thumb on ur head and they are holding u down, keeping u from having the URGE to fight   I guess that someone is me, or at least the chemical misfiring sin my brain. I can deal with heart and lung disease,  chronic pain, endocrynogical body fighting against itself. What's the word?????

But depression hits and I'm wanting to quit. Wanting to turn tail n leave, and never look back.

That's where I am now.

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