The new me???

I have been trying for years to change the way I think, the way I feel when people belittle me and hurt me. I've read articles and books on how to better yourself, lol I even made a stupid Pinterest board.
I want to be assertive
I want to be strong in my convictions.
I was to be able to say no and mean it and then not go back and say yes because I felt badly for saying no.
I want to have my own place.  With my own things. Decorated the way I want want to be.
I want to be financially stable enough that I don't need to ask for $$ for meds and food. Even if I have food stamps.
I want so badly to be able to work. Of course disabilities make that super hard.
I want to be able to tell certain people, that's it. You are too toxic for me. Get out of my FRIKIN life for good!!!
I want to not hurt every single day. I mean yeah ok so I have what I have. Can I get a day or two break in between bad flare ups?
I want to be able to speak my mind without later apologizing for being harsh or ugly or whatever.

Ok so not all of these things are going to happen. But even if one of them happened, things would get better right? There I go again. Playing the if only game. I've done it all my life.

If only I graduated high school id be happy.
If only I got married ...
If only I had children...
If only I could get away...

Right now in this point in time I don't care if I change.  I don't care if things get better for me.