Thursday, January 17, 2013

Next stop... The Future

It has always been a lot easier for me to not plan things out... 

See when I was diagnosed in 98, I knew my life was over. so, at that point, I stopped making plans. Things a month out were too far into the future for me to see because, well, let's face it, was I really going to be alive in a month to see it? honestly, this is how I thought for many many years. It's still pretty hard for me to think about the future, perhaps out of habit, perhaps out of fear, I don't know. 

I know 14 years have passed. That's a hell of a long time when you are dealing with chronic illness. 14 years of anguish, pain, fear and dread, love and happiness, depression, and every other emotion a person can have. Death in the family, of friends who were family to me, the birth of so many little ones I have grown to love more than I could ever imagine! 

Fourteen years since I was diagnosed, longer if you count the years I endured without knowing what was wrong with me. I'm sure I was sick for at least 2 years prior to being diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension. 

But to look into the future, no matter how far in, to plan anything more than a few weeks away, it's pretty scary for me. I wonder how many others out there with a chronic condition, who were told they wouldn't live past 2.8 years would feel about the future? 

And then in 2001, I was diagnosed again, with another chronic illness, Pan Hypo Pituitarism. Part of my pituitary gland is missing, Poof! Gone. I started taking steroids to keep my body going. problem is, the steroids that have kept me alive since then, are starting to wreak havoc on me. Osteoporosis, Amenorrhea, Diabetes, Other Adrenal Insufficiency, are all due to the steroids.    

So is it any wonder that I have a problem with planning, with even thinking about what life could be like? Because when I do, I always think, "If I'm still here." 

Anyways, that's just me. 

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