Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Always fighting demons

I seem to be always fighting demons in one way or another. No I am not talking about the devil or demons or wicked things, but things in my life that I'm dealing with. things like

  • my health, 
  • my children, 
  • my living situation
  • the way I'm living my life (or not) 

My health seems to be pretty stable right now. However, I'm having more symptoms, more pain, more shortness of breath than I have had in a long time. I can't bend over to pick something up without getting dizzy. Fibromyalgia pain is getting worse, however, the medications they use to treat it, aren't good for the Pulmonary Hypertension.  I had an MRI done recently and am awaiting results from that from impatiently. I want to know NOW Damn it! If my endocrinologist can get my Panhypopituitarism under control, perhaps everything else will settle down too. Even my psychiatrist thinks that my Depression and anxiety could be better improved if my endocrine problems would be figured out. 

My Children, well, they are my children and I will always worry about them. I love them so much and all I want is for them to be happy and healthy! I want them to succeed in what they are doing, to whatever point they feel they are succeeding! But there is always some Drama going on with these kids! The other day, I was driving my daughter's car and it started smoking under the hood. Luckily, I pulled over in front of a mechanic. They wanted to charge me $400 something. I tried to apply for their in store credit card to get a discount plus be able to pay them off over a year without interest. of course, I was denied. My Credit is so bad right now. It has been for a long time. but I keep chugging along. 

My Living Situation right now is good. However, at the end of the month, my roommate and bff is moving out. I have applied for public housing for low income, and am on the world's longest waiting list. I have checked craig's list for apartments in my price range, and of course haven't found anything. If I do not find anything, I will be moving back with my mom in Southern California. I have lived with her before, for nearly a year, and although we get along wonderfully, and she is an amazing woman, I gotta say, I was so bored. The city is small, inland, away from the Ocean,  away from all my friends and siblings. I felt isolated. I couldn't even use her car except for groceries and church because it is the only car she has and if it broke down, she wouldn't have another car. blah blah blah. of course I respect that and listened to her, but I was so incredibly bored. Plus, all my medical care was far. the specialists were in San Diego or Loma Linda, a good couple hours drive in traffic. I want to go home for a visit. I'm very homesick. but It looks more and more like I will be going to stay. I just don't see another way for me. 

I wanted to be doing stuff with my life since I'm unable to work. I wanted t o go to Museums, Monuments, that kind of thing. Instead I sit here all day and do nothing. watch tv shows. I'm not even going onto FB as much a before. I'm tired of reading about Pulmonary Hypertension. I'm tired of reading about how deadly and rare it is. I want to be doing something. I want to work and be a productive member of society. I want to have money left over by the 10th of each month, not worrying about how am I going to get what I need with only $5 for the rest of the month? 

All this has been is a post about my complaining. do I even want to post it? I dont know. maybe I'll sit on it for a few days before posting. 

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