Wednesday, December 8, 2010

the state of my depression

The state of my depression varies from day to day, as I'm pretty sure it does for most people. Some days I'll wake up feeling really good only to be having feelings of sadness and guilt and all those other feelings.

But lately, the guilt is kinda getting to me. I feel guilty for not appreciating the home my mother has given my daughter and me.

I used to be able to listen to whatever someone said to me and take it in, without responding. I never stood up for myself, never said anything. I internalized everything that was said and would take it to heart. Even if someone told me, you're a piece of shit, I would believe it because why would someone say such a hurtful thing if it wasn't true. Once, someone told me, I don't have a need for you. That hurt. I don't have a need for you.... wow. I thought to myself, so I'm not worthy of your friendship or anything else.

I do my best to love everyone, no matter what they have done in their past. I do my best to forgive as well, that one is much harder. But I also give people the benefit of the doubt, this one I do over and over , maybe to my own detriment. I do all of these things in hopes bring my self worth and esteem up just a tad. but not even. I think I do all of these things because it's in my nature to love people and want to forgive. So when she said, I don't have a need for you, that really was a low blow for me.I cried over that even. stupid huh?

Now that I'm feeling not so depressed anymore (really good English there. lol), I'm wanting to say, hey wait a minute, don't treat me like a child! I'm an adult and have been for a while now! Don't speak to me that way, who do you think you are? I'm not going to argue, except one time I called my sister something out of anger and frustration, and then we both burst out laughing! How could something like that come out of my mouth?!? lol .too funny.

Now though, I WANT TO ARGUE. I WANT TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF. and I feel guilty about that.
arggggg.... it's a never ending cycle that I really want to end. suggestions? comments? leave a message at the beep.


No comments:

Post a Comment