Part Two of New Years Eve

I can not believe how helpless i felt the other day in the e.r. i absolutely hate that feeling!  I woke up thinking about it this morning. No one knew what was going on. I certainly did not know. I had  not been in an E.R. in a few years. It MAKES you remember you are sick. Forget about the shortness of breath. Forget about the palpitations. You get used to those after a while. After 15 years, yes, I still get those. and yes, after 15 years, I still stop to catch my breath, or have to stop to slow my heart rate. but to go to an emergency room and be  at the mercy of the doctors and nurses. of course I have been to many many emergency rooms before. but it has been AGES and AGES. and yes I have felt that hopelessness, worse in fact, but once again, it has been ages and ages. Just shocks me and bolts me back to reality. The reality of a sick person, and how sick we really are with Pulmonary Hypertension!  I have been doing very very well lately. Walking and exercising, losing weight, running around chasing my granddaughter. of course I have set backs and bouts of depression, I am a person with chronic illnesses.

But on a day to day, I do not live pulmonary hypertension. it may seem that way because of all my posts and images that splatter the netosphere.  (The atmosphere the surrounds the  internet allowing it to breath and survive. lol i just coined that word. not even on urban dictionary. lol)

Helplessness is not a good or happy feeling. it is very ugly. restraining you, keeping you from doing things, from living a happy and fulfilling life. Besides depression and fibromyalgia, I think I am happy in my life. I love where I am, I love where I live, I love my roommate and friend. I love my grandbaby and daughter and sister. I miss like crazy my two daughters living in a different state. But all in all, I am happy.

---- For those that do not live with depression or anxiety or any other chronic illness, for me at least, it never goes away. it may subside a bit, but it is always there in the back of  my head, wanting to creep out, taunting me almost. Even in the most happiest days of my life, it is always there.---- 

And so I can not imagine myself living in this helplessness 24-7,

not again, not anymore.